Non-Sensical Nonsense

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:35:58 GMT

I'm trying to make sense of why my son's birth went so completely in the opposite direction of what I had planned and worked so hard for.

Sebastian Clifford Kassapa Smith
Born at 21:04 on September 8th, 2009
3610 grams (7lbs 15 ounces)
My birth:

My membranes ruptured at around 6pm on Monday. As soon as it happened, I fell to the ground and got my pelvis as high up in the air as I could just in case, my midwife told me to do this as i was at an increased risk of cord prolapse due to polyhydraminos. I yelled at Sean (my husband) to come help me get to the bedroom and to put some towels under me. He looked to see if he could see any cord hanging out or if there was blood. Neither seemed to be the case, but I decided to stay with my bum up in the air just in case -- my baby's head wasn't engaged at all four days previously, so I was still a bit concerned about cord prolapse.

At this point, Sean paged Mehran, our midwife, to tell her what had happened. I spoke with her, and she said she could be there around 7.30-8pm, she sounded tired. I knew she had been up the previous night with a birth, and then did backup for another the same morning -- midwives are superheroes.

Mehran checked arrived around 7.30 and checked me, my baby's head was fully engaged so the worry about cord prolapse was gone. I wasn't dilated at all yet, but my cervix was very soft. She told me that she needed to get home and get some sleep, and that I should probably do the same. I really wanted to rest, but at this point I was really crampy and began having severe back pain. I laid in bed, but no matter what position I was in I was uncomfortable. The only way I felt even mildly comfortable was with my palms against the wall and with Sean oushing against my lower back.

About an hour after Mehran had left I started getting contractions. We called Leanne, our doula, to give her the update. She said she was going to go to bed, and that she'd probably be at our place around 3. Until then, Sean and I worked through the contractions, they were getting longer, but were still irratic. When Leanne showed up around 3am, my contractions were nearly a minute long and we're anywhere from 2-5 minutes apart. We called Mehran again, and she said she'd be there within the hour with the student midwife, Jackie.

They arrived at our place at about 5am, and checked me. I was now 2cm dilated. It was still too early to go to the hospital, so we decided to give it a few more hours and meet there at around 8am.

At 8am, I was 3cm dilated, and the baby was perfectly happy. I spent the next 4-5 hours walking around the L&D floor working through contractions with either Sean or Leanne. Unfortunately, my contractions weren't getting any closer together or longer, but were starting to slow down all together. At aroudn 1pm, I was still only at 3cm. As soon as Mehran said this, I burst into tears as I knew that soon I'd have to start having the "failure to progress" conversation, which in my mind was a one way ticket to a ceserean. Mehran said we'd give me a few more hours, but then after that she was required to consult with an OBGYN (my membranes had been ruptured for ~17 hours at this point). The baby was still perfectly happy though.

At about 4pm, I was still at 3cm, and the evil OBGYN came in. Okay, she may not have been evil, but she certainly had no bedside manner, and no care for what my original birth wishes had been. She said that she thought my labour had gone on long enough at this point, and that she was 99% sure that I wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally. She reccomended pitocin, and when I told her I really was opposed to it, she filled out a form basically stating that I refused her recommended treatment and left. I started having a nervous breakdown at this point, I knew that as soon as I said yes to the pitocin I'd be immobile and a short step away from a c/s. I spent sometime with my midwives, husband, and doula discussing it and they all agreed that I was tired, I wasn't progressing, and that maybe the pitocin was the best option at this point. I was absolutely heartbroken. I asked everyone but Sean to leave, as I really needed time to relax and get a grip on what was giong on.

After spending some time together in which I only had 1 contraction in 15 minutes, I agreed to the pitocin. I really didn't want to, but felt I had no choice at this point. My labour was basically stalling at 21 hours after my membranes ruptured. The OBGYN came in and gleefully ripped up the form she had filled out later and told me she loved doing that. coughbitchcough. They got me hooked up to the fetal monitor and started the pitocin drip. After 2 hours on pitocin, my contractions were a bit more regular, but weren't picking up in length or intensity and I was still only 3cm.

It was now about 5.30, and my midwife said that she has seen women get an epidural at this point, get some sleep, relax, and then dilate further and ultimately deliver vaginally. At this point I felt so defeated I said fine, why not. The birth I wanted had already gone out the window. In waltzs the OB, she says this probably won't work but she'd be willing to "let me" try. However, I need to start thinking about a c/s. Fuck you.

I have the epidural put in, which was pretty much my worst nightmare. Fear of epidurals was pretty much my main reason for not wanting children to begin with (this being before I discovered the wonderful world of natural birthing). And I can honestly say, having an epidural will be the worst experience of my life. At this point, I tried to get some sleep but really didn't as my mind was on the c/s I pretty much had just consented to.

8pm rolls around, the OB comes back in, no i had not progressed further, no i wasn't going to deliver vaginally, yes i was goign to have a ceserean. I understand that at this point my waters had been broken more than 24 hours and thus the chance of infection increased substantially, and also that I had been at 3cm for nearly 12 hours... but I still don't understand how this all happened. I felt as though my body was failing, and as a result I was failing myself and my unborn son.

Then I was swept off to the OR and had my c/s. I don't really remember much of it, other than vomitting in my hair and not really being able to breathe. I couldn't keep my eyes open b/c of all the drugs and when I finally got to see my son, I couldn't focus long enough to really look at him. my husband got to be the first to bond with him, my husband's pinky was the first thing to go in his mouth. I don't remember most of the first 18hours of his life because I was so drugged up.

This was all two weeks ago. Since then, we've overcome the breastfeeding hurdle, and Sebastian has surpassed his birth weight. He is absolutely beautiful, and I love him without question. Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn't matter how he got here, as long as he did. I guess I can see their point, but to me it DOES matter; especially since I did spend time and energy preparing for his birth. If I had just walked into L&D with no plans, I suppose it might not have mattered as much -- but i did have plans. I informed myself, and all that work still resulted in me havign a c/s.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:22:33 GMT

1. the words "overly cautious" no longer exist.
2. Breastfeeding is a lot more difficult than breast + baby
3. How to type with one hand
4. Jaywalking is now a thing of the past.
5. The true meaning of sleep deprivation
6. having dirty floors isn't that big of a deal (as low as they don't touch baby -- see #1).
7. What family really is.
8. Some patience.
9. Powernapping (I can now move from conscious to unconscious in 5 minutes flat).
10. The value of time.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:51:31 GMT

Oh my! My waters just broke -- well 1.5 hours ago. Which means, NO INDUCTION TALK TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My cervix which was completely anterior four days ago has moved forwards, and although it isn't dilated yet, it is soft and short. Bibbles' head is fully engaged, when four days ago it was just floating in fluid. I'm still amazed at how much fluid as poured out, i've gone through 4 towels already and my stomach is much smaller.

i couldn't be happier. The natural birth I was worried about losing is still mine to be had.

AND to top it all off, on labour day of all days! Get it? My child already understands the value of puns w/o even leaving the womb. hahaha

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:32:08 GMT

Thu, 21 May 2009 20:30:44 GMT

This semester will never end. Well, thats not true, whatever is not finished by next tuesday will not be finished. The light is there, but the tunnel seems so long and my drive has set sail.

30 page research paper: done, and pretty damn good.
Hegel Paper: done, but in need of some minor adjustments.
20 page research paper: ugh ugh ugh. It's been half-way finished for two days now. I can't seem to get past that half-way mark. The concepts are there, I have my arguments laid out in my head, effin' execution! I HAVE to finish it by Saturday afternoon so I can have at least 2 days to edit. Its not even a difficult paper, I just do NOT want to write it. Going and sitting in the laundromat seems more appealing right now, eff, i'm even updating livejournal!

S and I are also trying to give up swearing. Its effin' hard! Its fine in theory, but once I get excited, or around certain people the potty mouth comes out!

Oy vey!

Wed, 06 May 2009 23:51:52 GMT

\

Me. 5.5 Months preggo. Growing a human. Holy Moly.
Over half way there, and only 3 more term papers.

While I was in the "Quiet Room" at the public library today, a guy came in and asked (generally) if anyone would be bothered if he made some calls on his cell phone. Seriously? I said, "yes, kind of." And then he looked at me as though I was being unreasonable. Whut-evs, dude.

Sean and I are conducting our first ever Children's Course this weekend. 25 boys and 20 girls between the ages of 8-12 learning to meditate. 45 kids???.. hahahahahahaha. We drove 16 hours to Chicago this weekend to spend 2 intensley filled days training with CCT trainees from all over Canada and the US and then we got to help conduct a group of 8-16 year olds. Only there was only 18 total, and there was like 10 of us. It should be.... interesting. Nah, i'm excited. Seeing kids get Dhamma is such an honour. There was one little 8 year-old girl this weekend who was so serious. It was absolutely amazing. But over 30 hours in a car in a 72 hour period? Not this crazy pregnant ladies cup of tea.

Now I'm drinking and peanut butter and banana milkshake, it is absolutely delish.
I ate a kilo of baby carrots last week. At once. Adam said my baby is going to be orange.

******

I saw my GP today to talk about my lungs, and she asked me if I was seeing the OBGYN she had given me a referral for 4 months ago. I told her no, that I had decided to go with a midwife. She looked kind of confused, and asked which hospital I was giving birth at. I told her that since I'm as low risk as I am I'm going to give birth at home. She had a serious look of concern on her face!

A medical professional?! I mean c'mon. ARGH!

I told her how close I live to East York General if something should happen. Bah! I mean, I guess I kind of, sort of, maybe might expect a reaction like that from someone who isn't in the medical community, someone who wouldn't know that in Ontario, midwives are funded by the public purse and as such have to meet certain standards and regulations. I guess I may understand a reaction from someone who may be unaware that clients of midwifery get the same amount of prenatal care as those of OBGYN clients, which would entail that any sort of complications which can be detected prior to the onset of labour would in fact be detected. However, as a GP who refers her clients to external professionals I DO expect her to know to know these things. I DO expect her to know that midwives have the same hospital privileges as OBGYNs, and are a completely safe and REASONABLE option for women who are as low-risk as I am. ugh. ugh. ugh. I was so unimpressed. It took all my restraint to not give her a verbal bitch slap. /end rant.

Tue, 05 May 2009 20:36:06 GMT

Let the madness begin... Star Trek Spolier

Tue, 05 May 2009 18:58:52 GMT

This makes me giddy....

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:59:26 GMT

the crazy pregnant woman carrying a cat carrier and running after a bus yesterday? Yes, that was me.

then today, i patted myself on the back for being at the laundromat early, only to come home and find that the elevators weren't working.

so who lugged a cart full of laundry up 7 flights of stairs? the crazy pregnant woman, that's who.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:53:46 GMT

oh yes we did...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:14:46 GMT

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:20:24 GMT

From: to: .
aka. from: to:

aaaaahahahaha. German Philosophy. hahahahaha.

Patriotic Rant

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:13:40 GMT

Oh my, am I ever glad that I live in Canada if only for our health care!
I'm looking at the costs of giving birth in the states, and am sighing the hugest breath of relief.

Midwifery services - covered.
OBGYN (if I wanted) - covered.
Hospital (in case of labour complications) - covered.
Bloodwork, ultrasounds, prenatal screening - covered (except the $5 we paid to get a personal copy of the ultrasound).
Prenatal classes - free if through a clinic or hospital. Heavily subsidized if through a private company/practice.

All we have to pay out of pocket is for the rental costs of a birthing pool. And even with that, I'm exploring ways to get that subsidized.

Average cost of a hospital birth without complications (i.e., epidurals, caesareans etc) - $10 000.
which doesn't include the prenatal care costs, especially if you want to have a midwife or doula.

O Canada!

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:36:42 GMT

the water in our building has been shut off. And of course we weren't given prior (or any) notice of this. I went to wash my hands, and didn't know that the h2o was gone before i put soap on my hands. As a result, my hands were cleansed with brita water, because they rock like that.

An even bigger fish, however is that I haven't showered in over 24 hours. I worked last night, and when you get bigger it turns out that you sweat more. who wudda thunk it?

me feeling icky = livejournal posting.

'thunk' is a word?* who wudda thunk that!

Tomorrow is my birthday, and if i recall correctly a certain robot's birthday. If i'm thunking properly, happy birthday mechanicoid !**

( a cake that someone once ate, but being virtually recycled for you, robopal)

oy vey!

*i'm classifying it as a word insofar as it isn't being recognized as an improper spelling.
** which unlike 'thunk' is deemed as being an improper spelling and as such is underlined in red. that's right bot, my mac has called you out!

For Shame!

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:31:34 GMT

Life is quickening. Likety-split!
No time for laundry, no time for self-directed thought, no time for well, anything really.

I think, that when I become reality-organizer, there will be a minimum of 36 hours in a day. Fuck this sun-rotation bull.

who-eeee!

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:57:27 GMT

Despite our differences, I wish I had known sooner that you were dead.
I guess its true, life doesn't get easier.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:10:50 GMT

I always thought that once I got past the second year mark, the inane questions (i.e., will it be multiple choice, do you want us to write in paragraph form? etc. ) regard exams would end.

Alas, it has not. And for the last 20 minutes of lecture, we have to sit through these questions. I now appreciate the answers of the Gersonator:

Q: So, what material will be on the exam?
A: The material covered in the course -- Read.

Q: What is the format of the exam?
A: There'll be questions and you'll be expected to answer them.

Q: So, is it going to be multiple choice, short answer, essays?
A: Yeah, something like that.

It's kind of funny, everyone who took Ancient Philosophy with him fondly recalls the exact same answers.

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:05:41 GMT

Farewell PHL314, I shall miss you.

Two things fill the mind with ever new and increasing admiration and awe, the oftener
 and the more steadily we reflect on them: the starry heavens above and the moral law within.
 I have not to search for them and conjecture them as though they were veiled in darkness 
or were in the transcendent region beyond my horizon; I see them before me and connect them
directly with the consciousness of my existence.

The former begins from the place I occupy in the external world of sense, and enlarges 
my connection therein to an unbounded extent with worlds upon worlds and systems of 
systems, and moreover into limitless times of their periodic motion, its beginning and 
continuance. The second begins from my invisible self, my personality, and exhibits me 
in a world which has true infinity, but which is traceable only by the understanding, and 
with which I discern that I am not in a merely contingent but in a universal and necessary 
connection, as I am also thereby with all those visible worlds. The former view of a countless 
multitude of worlds annihilates as it were my importance as an animal creature, which after it 
has been for a short time provided with vital power, one knows not how, must again give 
back the matter of which it was formed to the planet it inhabits (a mere speck in the universe). 
The second, on the contrary, infinitely elevates my worth as an intelligence by my personality, 
in which the moral law reveals to me a life independent of animality and even of the whole 
sensible world, at least so far as may be inferred from the destination assigned to my existence 
by this law, a destination not restricted to conditions and limits of this life, but reaching into the 
infinite.
- Critique of Practical Reason (1788), Ak 5:162

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:53:55 GMT

michele says: (6:47:48 PM)
Hi Dorothy, you are so photogenic, you always look so wonderful in pictures., any wa y can u think of anything for Christmas that you or sean need for your apt., or personal stuff, don't say nothing cause then I'll end up getting u guys something you hate .......

dorothy. says: (6:49:11 PM)
umm... the only thing i can think of off the top of my head is curtains

michele says: (6:50:12 PM)
movies? music? clothes? what size curtains and what type? if u guys give me some particulars I will see what I can find., I just need the measurements for width and length., are u guys tired of being exhibitionists?

his mom. his mom just asked me if we were tired of being exhibitionists!

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:27:06 GMT

On Mon, Nov 17, 2008 at 5:50 PM, dorothy robson <dorothy.robson@hotmail.com> wrote:
Hey Bunny Boy!

I hope you find harvey. In the mean time, I want to have a love affair with you and go with you on your journey to find him! I'm really good at finding things!

Love,

Dorothy

Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:24:00 +0100
From: wearedoomed666@gmail.com
To: dorothy.robson@hotmail.com
Subject: Re:

DER DORTHY WELL YOU ARE OBVIUSLY REALLY INTELLGENT AND PROBLLY SMART WITH GOOD TAST AND ALL TOO WE SHULD PROBABLY GET MARRED RIGHT AFTER I FIND HARVY FROM BUNNY

PS IM BEGINNING TO THINK IT MAY ACTUALLY A LITLE LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IM SORY

On Fri, Nov 21, 2008 at 9:00 PM, dorothy robson <dorothy.robson@hotmail.com> wrote:

That's okay.

I had a bunny when I was younger, and my uncle always told me that he was going to eat it one day. Then it died, and I think he did.
It made me sad.

I used to live with a crazy person who talked about the end of the world all the time. His name wasn't Harvey though. Maybe Harvey bought land in Canada and built a commune. I hear that that's what crazy people do nowadays.

Re: ‏

From:	Harvey (wearedoomed666@gmail.com)
Sent:	November 23, 2008 2:44:15 PM
To:	dorothy robson (dorothy.robson@hotmail.com)

DER DORTHY WELL IM SORY TO HERE ABUT YOUR BUNNY AND ALL I ALSO HOP YUR UNCLE WASNT MEAN BUT IT SUNDS LIKE MABY KIND OF FROM BUNNY

Arkasas?

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:29:59 GMT

Hey Bunny,

I had a bunny once. My uncle told me he was going to cook it and eat it. It made me sad.

I work with a guy who is from Greece, I'm sure he would be willing to help you out.

I really like watching your videos. Perhaps, after you find Harvey and are done touring Europe, you could make a movie.

P.S. Maybe you and the band you are touring with should come to Canada.

~Dorothy

DER DORTY WELL MAYBE THYLL GO TO CANADA I DONT KNOW I HTINK IT GETS PRETY COLD UP THERE I DONT THINK ILL BE ON TUR WITH THEM ANY MORE SINCE I HAVE TO GO FIND HARVY WHO CARSON SAYS HAS GONE TO ARKASAS BUT I DONT KNOW HOW ILL EVER GERT THERE FROM BUNNY

He Replied!

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:52:50 GMT

Hey Bunny Boy!

I hope you find harvey. In the mean time, I want to have a love affair with you and go with you on your journey to find him! I'm really good at finding things!

Love,

Dorothy

DER DORTHY WELL YOU ARE OBVIUSLY REALLY INTELLGENT AND PROBLLY SMART WITH GOOD TAST AND ALL TOO WE SHULD PROBABLY GET MARRED RIGHT AFTER I FIND HARVY FROM BUNNY

PS IM BEGINNING TO THINK IT MAY ACTUALLY A LITLE LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IM SORY

This is probably only funny to me...

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:28:50 GMT

One of Sean's papers is on the coffee table, and when I quickly looked at it, I thought it read, "Fergie claims that each person has an incommunicable mode of presentation of herself."

when in reality he is talking about Frege. I wonder of Fergie of Black Eyed Peas fame thinks that she has an incommunicable mode of presentation of herself.

vs.

wow. this is the world.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:07:22 GMT

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:08:27 GMT

In case you've ever wondered, 'cuz God knows I have...

1: Zeno of Citium or Zeno of Elea? 2: Epicurus 3: Federico II of Mantua? 4: Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius or Anaximander or Empedocles? 5: Averroes? 6: Pythagoras? 7: Alcibiades or Alexander the Great? 8: Antisthenes or Xenophon? 9: Hypatia (Francesco Maria della Rovere or Raphael's mistress Margherita) 10: Aeschines or Xenophon? 11: Parmenides? 12: Socrates? 13: Heraclitus (Michelangelo) 14: Plato holding the Timaeus (Leonardo da Vinci) 15: Aristotle holding the Ethics? 16: Diogenes of Sinope? 17: Plotinus? 18: Euclid or Archimedes with students (Bramante)? 19: Strabo or Zoroaster? (Baldassare Castiglione or Pietro Bembo) 20: Ptolemy? R: Apelles (Raphael) 21: Protogenes (Il Sodoma, Perugino or Timoteo Viti)^[12]